I've been feeling slightly sick for the last week and it's driving me batty. I'll feel better and worse and better again and it's not going away and argh. It's frustrating. Very frustrating.

My uncle sent me a graduation present and it arrived today. I get to use it to beat back my debt for one more month. I really hope my student loans go through nicely and promptly this year.

I was drawing daily for a little while there and then I got lazy. Just like how I was riding my bike daily but am opting out of doing so for the sick feeling.

Man. HC used to be the sort of place where taking a shower was a long enough time to find a new post. Now, four hours later, almost nothing has happened. I'm bored. I really should be drawing instead. 

So the drive was totally and wholeheartedly worth it.

Jason Webley is possibly the most adorable person ever. He's so sincere in everything he plays. I'm so glad we didn't chicken out of the drive and actually made the trip.

Also, Mia's parents' house is gigantic and utterly lovely. It seems as if Katie picked the prettiest place to retire but ever. >_> And they made some of the bestest food I've had in a while and it was quite tasty.

Visited Elliot on the way back down, which was neat. We got to dance a little bit and meet his new girlfriend. (She came off as really young, but hey. You like who you like.) 

The drive wasn't too bad. I have a much better idea now of how driving across the US is going to be in six weeks, so that's kinda nifty. Having that experience behind me makes actually completing the trip a whole lot less scary for me. Especially since we'll actually be stopping for nights and getting some sleep rather than omgnosleepthisentireweekend. Okay, not no sleep. We slept like rocks after the concert and I'm super grateful for having a place to crash inbetween. Also slept for eleven hours last night, so I think I'm almost caught up.

I'm really glad we were able to make it back in town to drive off to San Francisco again. The last time I saw Mike and Andy was at my grandfather's funeral about 13 years ago, and Aunt Betsy came out once while we lived in Southern California, some ten years ago now. So it was good to actually chat with them for a while and have delicious thai food. I had forgotten that Andy was a CS dude, so we got to talk stuff on an actual similar level. It was nifty. 

Of course, being home implies a whole bunch of laundry to be done and dishes to be done. Luckily I've got six hours before work to do it in. :)

Jason Webley Eleveniversary Friday. OMGOMG. Driving up tomorrow evening after Mike gets off work. I need to persuade people that we should leave Saturday instead of Sunday however, since my aunt from louisana is going to be in san francisco on Sunday only and mom is talking about an early dinner. Which uh...not very convenient. So. Yeah. That. Finished shirts for Braden and I. Braden always ends up with the cooler shirt because he calls dibs on the idea I like best. ("Icarus"  for him, which I really dig how the shirt turned out. "Dance While the Sky Crashes Down" for me, which...turned out sort of weak, but I like how the text turned out a lot better. Learning experience.)

Painting on shirts always makes Braden bug me to get canvas. It's quite cute. He's all "I really like your paintings. I mean, your sketching is cool, but you paint really awesome." I keep thinking that I should turn that back on him by saying I really like your negatives, but I mean your prints are amazing! XD Sketches totally aren't...you know...finished pieces of art.

Month and a half until we move. Last day in California is tentatively scheduled for August 17th. Then three or four days of driving.

Shit, I keep forgetting to call campus during normal hours to see if they might, just possibly, have available "family" housing on campus. ._. Hurhur.

Oddly enough, I've spent my afternoon reading technologyreview.com which is published by MIT and browsing SIGCHI(the human-computer interaction interest group portion of the Association of Computing Machinery (ACM)). I feel somewhat grown up and simultaneously amused. I actually enjoy reading articles, even though cloud computing is only tangentially related to my field of interest. 

This article http://www.maa.org/devlin/LockhartsLament.pdf rings entirely too true to my personal math experience. It's delightful if you've got a bit of time to spare on reading.

I've been harboring an Archetecture in Helsinki kick lately, and oddly, listening to their music isn't prompting me to listen to other things. Oops.

Also, I'm ready for fall now. Kthxbai.

There are still times when I want to tell Shawn to his face that he made me into a zombie and I'm $5000 in debt because of him. I want to start the fight and I want to rip him apart and show him each and every wound and make it clear that I am better now in every way. I'm afraid that this means I'm still not completely over what happened. That's sort of why I haven't said anything outright to anyone. I was thinking of doing a postsecret, but I don't want to hold onto this anymore than I wanted to hold onto the pain. I still feel antsy any time I'm in Tracy on the off-chance he's around. I never want to see him again except to tell him that I was right.

Still. I think I missed the limit on unleashing anger and not being the crazy ex myself. I think this urge is one time is going to be in charge of getting rid of. (But if happiness is the best revenge, I want him to fucking see how amazing my life is without him. To see that I'm going somewhere and it's because I'm damn intelligent and I'm driven to be more than just some chick with a BS in CS.)

Texas Roadhouse today to celebrate Mike turning 22. Everyone but Papita in this house is older than me. XD I am muchly confused that Braden and Mike are both older than Norvell. Wtf. I don't get it. Despite likelihood of Mike driving, I'm not drinking tonight. (Unless they have cheap wine.) I really don't want to go to need-to-vomit but it's not happening stage again, and apparently, that's what tequila does for me.

Trying to get back into drawing again has been difficult. I'm reluctant to go back to my old style because it was so generic. The only thing that was sort of just...mine, was the noses. Everything else is so heavily anime influenced that it's sort of sad. Despite the amount of webcomics I read, I can't figure out how to do a cartooning style that I like that isn't like ANIME. I mean, I just like the shape of anime eyes, and once you've used them, no matter the rest of your proportions, it's an anime image. >_> 

Man, I should hook up my tablet again. XD Since I have no idea if I have all of the cords needed for my scanner. ._.

So I used to write journal entries daily, right? Those were crazy times.

I sort of want to get back into rping, but it would need to be a short, closed-ended thing where everyone knew I'd be dropping out on August 15th and what not. >_>

Next week I work a whopping 10 hours. *frustrated* At least I'm on partial unemployment now, so I get paid every week, even if they are $100 or so checks. ._. Ugh. I can't wait to start working for UIC and thus being real-paid. I really hope my student loans go through beautifully and thus we can get afford to get an apartment like, the day after we finish driving. XD 

I'm starting to think about doing single-student residence on campus. Oddly enough, they have somewhat reasonable rates for a nice neighborhood and you know, don't do a real credit check and will just take the bulk out of my financial aid rather than me and you know, no utilities costs, and free laundry ftw. So hopefully they still have space in family housing. We'll see. Still going to look around elsewhere, but it would mean a furnished apartment as well.

Moving sucks.

 The ending to The Disposessed dissappointed me Mia. [I love the entire novel. But I want an actual ending, damnit, not him just hitchiking home and stopping before the interesting part. RAR.] I'm starting The Road now with hopes that it doesn't leave me feeling so sour.

In other news, I have hours at work this week. Huzzah! A whopping 12 altogether, so my next paycheck is gonna suuuck. (Like seriously? 12 * 8 = $72  Ugh. Less than $100 is totally not cool.) At least I'm currently in a position where I am not desperate (IE: most of my bills have been paid already, with the others not due until mid-July anyway.) And we already bought groceries, yay!

Still trying to figure out how we're going to move. Getting more and more worried that waiting until the last minute isn't an option due to having to pay rent one more month sort of being doomsday to our monies. Braden is super concerned that crashing at Amber and Josh's for more than five days is a bad idea. >_>

Bah, I say, bah.

I'm the worst at this summer shit. I know I talk about wanting to be a professor for the summer's off, but seriously? I can't handle this crap. Braden works during the day so I'm so bored. I beat Disgaea and currently have little desire for another RPG game.  I have run out of internets. I I still have books to read, but I can only read for so long before I have to something.

I do go back to work today finally. They've had severe technical issues with transferring me this time. I'm hoping they get resolved soon, but at least now I get to go to work! In Stockton! So no hour long commute. It's like...a five minute drive. I need to get a light for my bike and probably a new bike lock(I have no idea wtf happened to my old lock) so I can ride to work. It's looking like I'll be getting mostly closing shifts(so I start right when Braden gets off. Awesome. >_<) but who knows. I'm filing for partial unemployment, because it might just work. If it does, then yay, it makes moving come a bit easier(and prevents shitacular situations like this month's piddly $90 car payment. Yay for going through a backassward way of buying my car. >_>

I bought new pants for work the other day because the old pants didn't fit very well. The confusing part is the new pair had the pockets sewn shut. As in, there were pockets present, but I had to use my pocket knife to get at them. I am amused and confused. Also, yay pants.

Also, new HP flick on July 17th. Midnight showing anyone? (I mean, other than Erin. Erin is not allowed to say no. At all. :P) 

3.88 my last semester makes my overall undergraduate GPA a beautiful 3.83 and solidifies my summa cum laude. Some time from now I will recieve a pretty piece of paper that says I am gradumacated and have earned a BS in CS.

I feel no different but a little less stressed about money since I was well-rewarded for my efforts by various folks that are related or just friends of the family, which is pretty damn awesome. I need to actually send thank you cards this time.

Penelope (I already named the orchid) frightens me, because I have NO IDEA how to take care of orchids. O_o

All of my housemates are employed! <3 It's beautiful.

Seriously, about five of ten days are exactly the same as the previous five of ten where nothing new happened. It's sort of like the end of high school was: it's hard to take my classes seriously anymore because I'm going to a more different school in a few months and I've been accepted and they like me and they're going to pay me to do this ish. I <3 grad school as a science major.

I'm listening to the beginning Japanese class cause I'm sitting in the Honors lounge and I am incredibly jealous. I wish I could've forced my schedule to be MWF so that I could take Japanese, but meh. I wanted my day off of school, and that's what I got. I'll start taking it again at some point again. I'd really like to get fluent in a non-English language at some point.

My first student cancelled tutorting today, so I've got about an hour and a half still before my next appointment. Luckily, I have things to do, like update my livejournal, catch up on the readings for my HCI course and start, you know, writing the final versions of papers for my philosophy class/hci class/thesis paper. Clearly, I've got my priorities straight. >_> Then again, between everything, I've got about four hours of dead time on campus today between cancellations and the fact that Swing Club starts four hours after I get off of class. I might actually get to finish a reasonable amount of the work I have.

::insert abrupt topic shift::

I've been struggling lately with the anger over how much money I lost while dating Shawn. I'm quite deep in debt right now, and its scary. I'd really like to be in a better place financially before we make this move, but I can't afford to work more. I need the time to not kill myself/Braden/our other room mates. But one of our room mates who has been out of work got a job recently, so we might actually be splitting rent five ways next month, which would be awesome. It'd save me about $50 a month, which is nice. :) Bah.

And the worst part is, the plans we have for this month are not based on this financial status. They're based on the ideas we had in March or April for where we would be now. Those plans had me making more money at the tutoring center, but it's towards the end and students are dropping due to needing time for tests for other courses and all of that ish. Soon, I'll be opening more hours at Michael's, but the liklihood that I'll get the kinds of hours I need is like zero. So. Moving will be exciting and costly, and I'll just have to slowly pay it all back with improved monehs in the fall. Baaah.

Braden and I are totally dweebs. We're competing tonight at Stomp. Once again, no real chance of winning, but we're gonna do this ish.

If Mike forgets to take out the trash before he leaves this weekend, I will be sad.

Apparently, there is a toothbrush stuck in the bathroom sink. Whoever's toothbrush is in there, it is now also covered with Norvell shavings. Mine, is in the toothbrush holder thing, and so I am relieved.

I got reimbursed by UCSC and have monay for a wee bit, which is wonderful feeling. Most of it is going to either my car, credit cards, or rent, but I'm putting a bit into Mother's Day, since we're taking out my folks, Braden's mom and Steven, and Stacie and Allen. It should be a nice little brunch. Though all the more awkward for Steven's presence. Once again, our respective fathers will not actually meet. (We're pretty sure it is fate now. Every time we've gotten our 'rents together, Brett's been otherwise occupied. I think my dad met Brett, it'd be them talking at each other while the rest of us just stared at them blankly. XD)

I need to work on my final paper for my philosophy class soonish. It's due May 18th, which is far enough out that I can actually spend time composing an outline and then getting a good feel for the paper as a whole. This research paper thing has actually gotten me more accustomed to writing on a daily basis, so yay. I can not rush my ass through the end of things.

I can't decide how lazy I am. I told Braden I was going to bike over to Michael's to pick up supplies for mother's day gifts, and yet I am somewhat reluctant to actually do this thing. It's about a mile one way...god, I am lazy now. I should ride my bike just to like...prove that I'm not Braden. XD

EDIT: damn bike's tires are flat. Never mind then.

I'm downloading the entire Bill Nye series right now. I don't know why that pleases me so much, but it really, really, really, really does.

Spring break has been both productive and not. I wrapped up an initial draft of my thesis. It's not long, but it fits the length of most published comp sci papers so I'm not worried, really. I talk about everything I feel I should. I suppose I'll be asked to extrapolate more about things relevant to folks who don't want to teach computer science, but you know, whatev. That was the point of producing a first draft. To get commentary from folks who know what it should look like.

Norvell and Papita have motivated me to listen to music whilst skimming the nets. (Papita is quieter than before, but the living room is still right next to their room. Whores.)

Been using the last few days to play the shit out of Disgaea and relax. I need to go get an oil change today, so I'll take one of the millions of readings I have due when school starts again to read while I wait. Bleh.

I convinced Braden that we might be able to get away with just moving the three items he REALLY cares about in one of the little 6*7*8 trailers. I'll have to buy a trailer hitch for my car, but that's much cheaper than renting a truck. ($250 total instead.) The only thing this doesn't give us is a whole lot of time to find a place to store the couch, his desk, and that coffee table that all of our room mates hate so hard. I'll probably talk to my Uncle Dirk and see if they have garage space for a few days. Obviously, we'll be trying to find an apartment super fast, so it's not like we're asking for it to be held too long, but hey. They could be like my folks with no space at all. I haven't seen their house since I was like, five. No joke. XD

So if you've ever thought that you wanted four bookcases, let us know. XD I'll be selling a lot of my shit off because...frankly...I don't use most of it. Additionally, we're broke, and a bit more cash to lubricate the transition is always helpful. I imagine a lot of the packing is going to fall on me since Braden will be working full time as long as possible. Hopefully he'll be getting his driver's liscence next week. There's some other ish we need to take care of for sure before we leave too.

I want to recap the Chicago trip, but most people who read this have already heard me chat about it. The only disappointing thing was the lack of going dancing. Maybe I'll start a club on UIC campus. Not that I'll have time for a life working with EVL, but it's nice to pretend. Having an assistantship does imply I only have to take two classes a semester to be a full time student, which is nice. I don't think I'll push to finish quickly, really. It's like 50 credits of work that has to be completed, so about six semesters at two classes/semester, so three years. >_> I mean, technically, I should probably shoot for three courses, but I do not want to burn out super fast. I really want to be able to commit myself to these courses because they're bound to suck all the life out of me(I mean be really interesting.)

So, as I'm playing a game with UCSC to see if I'm going to get reimbured or if I played the game a bit too hard by putting the maximum amounts on food expenditures(damn it) I've already made a decision abou what school I'm going to attend. In Fall 2009, I'll be attending University of Illinois at Chicago. Yay.

Now that that part's done, we have to figure out how to get all of our shit out there. XD I'm going to sell as much as I can since there's a lot of stuff that I don't feel attached to, but we're still going to need a moving truck, since Braden wishes to keep the couch, the desk, etc. XD Blah. Moving is going to suuuuuck. ^^; We've got an idea of how we might go through with i, but we've got to do some measuring and see if we'll be able to shove everything we need to into the appropriate sized storage space. Boo.

I like how Fluke Or I Know Why The Winged Whale Sings starts almost classically normal and then develops into the craziest book ever.

And Amy Earheart. Like Amelia Earheart. HOW DID I MISS THAT?!?! Durdurdur.

OH man. That was a good book. Now, back to research! 

One year.

It's been awesome.

I'm going to marry this kid some day.

So it's been a year since I came to the realization that being with Shawn was, as the lolkids say, doing it wrong. At the time, I had felt guilty and had thought that I was the bad guy. I mean, who wouldn't come to that conclusion? I stopped dating Shawn because I was going to date Braden. I packed my bags and moved onto Erik's couch for a week while I was trying to figure out where I would live next and didn't have to try very hard because Jacob hooked me up. I was the one that left. That broke his heart. That made me the bad guy.

So I wouldn't hear a word against him.

But things are different now.

I'm slowly getting past being angry for what was done to me, for all the money I spent on his eating habits, all the effort I put into making that little apartment a home, for being dumb enough to not take Peanut with me(though I'm not certain if he and Poe would've killed each other), for all the times that I came home early to make sure dinner was on the table when he got home. I'm recovering from the shyness that he imposed on me by making it a crime to have friends to talk about. 

But those things? Those things made it the right thing to leave him. While he would say thank you and the like for doing little things, there were no actions with those words. He spent money consistently, more money than was necessary, to make sure he had the latest games, while I was going deeper into credit card debt. He put a lot of effort into clearing himself of his own debt, and then went right back into it and lied to me when I asked about. And oh god did he lie, lie, lie. Always in the same format. Three months after he did something, he would tell me about it, acting all apologetic. And I would let him get away with it. Because I didn't see the point, since the action was already done. I'm some $6500 in credit card debt, and no shortage of that is Shawn's fault for not being able to eat like we were poor.

I cleaned that apartment all the time. I did all of the dishes. I vaccuumed. I cleaned the bathroom. I made our bedroom look nice. Most of the time I did the laundry. One time when he was actually doing the laundry for once, he gave me shit for not getting up to help him. When I did it by myself 90% of the time. I put a terrible amount of effort and love into trying to keep that place looking like a home and when I did want to relax, got shit for it.

When I stayed out at animeikyou, he would call to tell me when he was leaving work, so I could be home when he got home. Every time. While it's nice to find someone at home waiting fo you occassionally, he shouldn't have felt that he could impose on my social life. But he did.

Among other things, he made me do things I was uncomfortable with. While I drink now(seeing as it's legal and I have people I trust around most of the time) I hadn't been comfortable with the concept back then, and he insisted, as if it was something against him that kept me from doing it.

At the time, I loved Shawn, and while I saw these things, I didn't really know that it could be a different way. That I was being taken advantage of, that I was giving everything and getting very little in return. I hate that I let it happen to me, rather than defending myself. So now I am defending myself. I did what was right for me. I did what I needed to do. I was right to do it. I am not the bad guy. So NYAH.

Alright, done with that. Tune is tomorrow for the Tia-is-dopey-with-Braden entry. XD

Stupid paycheck is late. Direct deposit ftl. Not sure if it's just gonna start being on Fridays(they're moving completely paperless now, so the hope is that they just decided to remove the day early thing and just pushed everything over to Fridays again. *Irritated* I still have about three weeks before my actual big paycheck(ie, the one from CSUS) so...gah, money.

Catch up day today. I either caught up or got ahead for simulations already. I need to get up to speed on Philosophy. And you know, other stuff.

SLX blew my mind. I had so many really fun dances and was pretty awesome about not getting upset when I wasn't asked to dance. I don't know. I really wish more leads would man up and ask people they haven't before, but apparently, if I want to dance with someone new, I have to do it myself. It's frustrating, because I'm sort of shy about it and if I think too much about it, I can get really down on myself. I want to be thought of as someone that is fun to dance with enough that people ask me. On the other hand, it is a much better feeling to be asked to dance again than it is to e asked to dance in the first place. That's when you actually get the vibe that someone enjoyed dancing with you.

On the subject of dancing, Braden and I figured out how to get back to dancing good with each other, or at least why we've been having some isshes with it. When we first started dancing, I was the sort of follow that had to be muscled around through everything because that's sort of what I thought connection was. Now I understand a lot better how to provide connection without lagging behind a step and still be light. Unfortunately, until this weekend, Braden had been a bit slow on the uptake. (IE: He still thought he had to muscle me around.) So dancing together, we'd both get tired, because I try and give about as much as I get, and Braden was, in my mind, a "heavy" dancer, so we sort of kept making the problem worse at each other. The brilliant realization that we don't need to muscle at each other lead to a helluvalot of awesome dances. It makes me so happy.

Speaking of Braden, the exchange last year was the start of this craziness, so I wonder if I shouldn't say something now rather than waiting until our real anniversary. XD Meh. I should write up some more of my research before my next tutoring session. You'll get the anniversary recap in a bit. :P

Car shopping this Friday. Hopefully I'll be able to find a reasonable deal. I don't actually want to get a brand new car. The insurance would be out of my budget, almost for certain. Dad can call it the "wise" idea all he wants, but it is not the appropriate decision for me so I will not be bullied into it. Last ten years yes. A 2009 model? No.

Why is it so hard to find time for everything I need to do, and yet I'm wasting twenty minutes to write a journal entry? (Oh yeah, I can do my research writing-up in Rose's class. Yay Rose for not caring if I pay attention since I know this stuff.)


Oh. Did I mention I'm getting a free plane ride to Chicago on UIC. I'm leaving on the 9th and returning on the 11th. Braden is going out earlier that week and is no longer taking Spring Break off with me. I'm not sure if I'm going up to Oregon now. I'm not sure I should. I really want to go visit Zack, but that would mean that I would be doing an eight hour drive in my new car by myself. Anyone else want to drive up to Oregon on the 14th-18th?

Before, my choice seemed so easy. Now? After visiting UCSC, it's hard to really make sense of all the data I have. The comparison draws nearer as I begin to understand what is available at each university.

UCSC:
Stipend on top of tuition(TA/RA)
Top game design program in the nation
Beautiful area
Expensive housing
Hills. LOTS.
Ocean!
Dancing(About 90 miles to SF, 60 to Redwood City)
Students seem to be pretty happy, right kind of geeks
Game lab is a bunch of cubicles
Game lab-annex has big screen with the latest gaming systems.
Professors have cool projects going
No HCI program
Driving distance from home
MIAZORS
Mediocre job market for Braden

UIC:
Stipend on top of tuition(TA/RA/really cool opportunity to talk to high school students in cs)
EVL (Electronic Visual Lab) has the best name ever. (Evil)
Cheap housing
Real winter.
Urban area.
Dancing. Every night. With options.
Have not been on campus.
HCI type programs, very cool visualization program, a game design course
Awesome job potential for Braden
Amber,for which Braden will be happy
Meet my younger cousin
Chicaaaaaagooooo
Lou's Pizza. MHM.

...also, my fucking piece of shit car broke down which is GREAT for commuting. I'm borrowing Arron's/Mom's if this replacing the oxygen sensor crap doesn't work(I expect it won't) until I can secure another vehicle. Going to get something newish this time. I'll just get an autoloan from wells fargo and deal with the fact that I will be living off nothing. Also, we're gonna have a hard time saving to move. But I can not afford another pos that won't get me anywhere.