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Wrongness of Reunion

I get a sick feeling in my stomach now when I watch things about friends getting back together after years of separation. I get all twisted up inside when I realize it will never, ever be that way again. Even when as many people as I care about are gathered as possible, it will never be quite right.

I worry about the wedding. I worry that I'll look around and come to realize that she's really, really, really not going to be there and not be able to make it through the ceremony.

As a rule, I've been pretty private with my grief. Honestly, I don't need other people knowing I'm grieving to feel it, and when I bring her up with people who knew her, all of the sudden I take on the mantle of comforter if they need it and bury my own shit down. People who didn't know her can't possibly understand, which sounds childish, but literally no one in the world other than me is in my head, so fuck understanding. I don't need to be understood. I just want to tell Jessica stories sometimes.

I loaned her The Callahan Chronicles once, before I really knew what that would mean. Nine months later, I found it on her bookshelf and took it home, despite the fact that she hadn't read it.

I miss her so fucking much. When I get tired of not-crying, I let myself do it for just long enough to get a headache, and then I stop, not because I'm done, but because I'm pretty sure I'll never be done.

I figure those of you that are still left on LJ won't begrudge me grieving in semi-public.

Tags:

So...I drew Ginne today for the first time in forever. Made me want to do more. Maybe I'll make a tumblr? And work on short stories(like 2-3 pages) to build confidence? Because this was satisfying. I used a reference, because I want to make sure she looked...right. So this is based on a size 16 model + dress from cliquetoknow's website. Hurrah, art!

Projects!

 I've got things going on! It's kind of awesome actually.

Reading the National Academy of Engineering/National Research Council report on Engineering Education in K-12 in the US. It's super interesting. I'm excited to be attaching myself to a project dealing with education research, but I'm struggling right now to see what brilliant use of computers I'm going to come up with that lends itself perfectly to engineering research for grade level children. But that's why I have more documents to read!

Mia and I started fashion blogging. Reading in Skirts has lots of posts into the weekend. I need to do a few more outfit posts in the next few days, which shouldn't be hard. Tomorrow, I'll be dressing up to go see Jason Webley in concert(YEAH), and Friday I'll be going to Bluetopia in drag, since there's, in theory, supposed to be a Jack&Jack/Jill&Jill blues competition. I'm a relatively competent blues lead. Time to bust out the sports bra and two tank tops to flatten out my boobs. That'll be a fun post. I might actually buy a new shirt/pants combo for it...we'll see. 

Chris Wilmer and I have been talking for about a month about creating an android game together, and we actually set up a planning/programming meeting for Thursday morning. I'm excited, because he's a really good idea generator. I enjoy chatting with him. Braden and Chris might be doing a project in August too. So...pretty much awesomeness.

And finally: Braden is shooting another wedding at the end of July, pretty much due to my mad skills. Tim McCord is one of the first people we became friends with in Chicago, and we were sad when he moved to Austin. But it lead to him meeting Dee, and now they are getting married, hurrah! But they were looking for an affordable and awesome photographer, which is Braden all over. I'm really proud of him. If I wasn't 60k in debt to college, I'd have no problem working as his manager/business partner, I think, and working a second camera at some point. But. I also love what I do more than I love assisting, etc.

So all and all, exciting times in the life of a Tia

Performing/Art

 So, if I really wanted to do art, I would just do it, and not bitch about how I don't do it.

At least, I keep telling myself that, anyway. I'm not sure if I'm trying to relieve the guilt of not trying to be (more) or persuade myself that I /could/ do art.

I don't think that comp sci is a waste of my talent(ugh) or anything like that. It's something I'm passionately fascinated by, that's challenging and requires all of my brain power. But shows like So You Think You Can Dance, and real life Braden getting passionate about art forces me to reflect on why I don't do art.

I wonder if I hadn't always had to frame my art as different/not better than Shawn's, if I would've pursued it harder, but not really. I was never that kid. As early as middle school, I realized that I was fucking smart, and that was my talent, not art. Art was and has always been a past-time. A thing I do while taking notes.

BLARGH. Ranty-mc-rant-face. Ignore my moping. I actually had a really fabulous day today. XD

LJ Fail

I think because I use other social media so much, I rarely use this journal. Most of my life is so very public, and this is my one private place on the 'net (it doesn't show up if you search my full name on the first page, anyway), that I don't think about using it much. Especially now that Leese is on FB and I actively text Mia. But.

I guess for prosperity: Braden done proposed! He did a really good job picking out the ring. It's white gold, and just really pretty, and elegant and classy and simple and pretty.  I might need to get it sized down...I'm not sure what the line between too fucking tight and just loose enough to fall off in the shower is. The weird thing is, when I was wearing it on my right hand(ugh, so I'm a dope) it fit just right. Ah well. ^^;

Man, a year seems like forever right now though, let me tell you. May 18, why you gotta be so far away?

Digging through books that Mia loaned me/gave me(which...uh...can you remind me which were gifts and which were loaned? Are the Pilgrimage,  Soulless and Temeraire the ones that are mine to keep?). Also, is the copy of Temeraire the UK edition of the first book? Because according to amazon, none of the books are just called Temeraire, and that's the only thing that seems to make sense because this reads like the first book. Gaaah. Might be a loser and buy the boxed set of the first three (http://www.amazon.com/Temeraire-Vol-1-3-Bonus-Poster/dp/0345489241/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1307080464&sr=8-2) so I can loan out Temeraire to everyone ever.

My shoes from home showed up today, yay! I have sexxxxy shoes to wear when we go to The Violet Hour to celebrate Tim-in-town this coming week, since we'll mostly be sitting. Yay Mia!

Um...summer looks to be interesting. I'm a bit stressed because weddings cost money and because mom seems ready to come at everything too soon. We've got a whole friggin' year, and I don't think I could actually handle the intensity of her planning the whole time. ._. It's such a chill wedding plan! We don't even have that much to figure out!

CUTE OUTFIT

 Damn I'm pretty
EGOCENTRIC TIA PUTS PICTURES UP ON THE NET OF HER CUTE OUTFIT IN NEUTRALS.

I actually am proud of myself for this outfit. Yes. Proud. I don't know why I'm so surprised when I put together an outfit that I like still, but I am, do. Anyway....that's that for this interlude.

That came out of fucking left field

I finally figured out how much money I was donating for Zoe's new album kickstarter, finished the order, went to Facebook to pimp it to everyone else, finished the post and started bawling as I was writing that I was doing it because (in some part) this was the last thing I had done with Jessica. :/ 

There is nothing in the rest of my life experience that prepared me for this. When my mom's parents died, I was too young to get it. I don't know when the random days that suck so hard stop hitting just as hard as when Mia told me. 

I just want to be home.

WTF Chicago?

So seriously? This part of the world does not understand the concept of spring. Last weekend? 80 degrees out. This weekend? BELOW 40. WHAT WHAT WHAT? What is this I don't even WHY. All I want to do is put away my winter clothes so that I can actually find things in my drawers, but noooo. Chicago is douchey like that.

Oh man, so I need to tell y'all something. I have a craaazy amount of guilt wrapped up in whenever I try to change food habits/exercise habits that barely makes any sense at all. Part of it is I want so bad to believe in HAES that the fact that I want to change my body makes me ashamed of myself. Especially because, at the heart of it, I /do/ want to change my body. I want my legs to stop rubbing together when I walk when I wear skirts. I don't want to feel quite so tired from going up two flights of stairs. I would like to one day be able to buy a pair of boots.(Well, ok, I might not have any chance here, to be honest. Between being a half size and needing wide shoes, I have a horrible time finding not ugly boots that fit my feet, let alone my damn calves.) So...that was amazingly whiny. Ew.

But on top of the "I wants" I feel this guilt, because this is probably not a terrible place for my body, and it seems to have been pretty settled at this 180 weight. And like, striving to be healthy to be healthy is the ultimately awesome thing, but striving to be healthy to feel pretty is a stupid sizeist reason. As if I believe I can't be pretty without being skinny, which I would never hold anyone else to because there are so many pretty body types(and I'm a fecking chubby chaser at heart). /fail

In unrelated news: two weeks until the end of the semester and we're hammering out another execution of user study super quick because our data was rubbish. This is not going to be pleasant, and it means my next two weeks suck balls because the other members of my group hardly have an independent thought between them at all. 

Magic Super Powers?

So Braden's been sick for almost an entire month. He almost had health insurance a few weeks back, but the paperwork got botched, and then he got his acceptance letter to Columbia so we decided not to pursue alternate health insurance because he'll be insured through Columbia, and we're both regretting it now. He's been coughing so much, so hard, it's just...rough. I haven't gotten sick from him this time, which is rare, but nice in that I don't have the time to be sick right now.

Qualifiers are over, and now Leilah wants some progress to be taking place, which means my ass has to be in gear. Also, the project for the HCI class is coming to a close, and I still have to keep up with the Automata class and get a solid B in there. Which, damn, is probably going to be a close call, honestly. XD I haven't done a fantastic job with my homework at all, and frankly, just, am not rocking it hardcore right now, even though I need to be.

I want to be social today, but no one has responded to my open facebook invite to icecream or frozen yogurt. So maybe I'll just see if I can get my bike into a ride-able condition and just go biking. Or maybe drop in on a bike shop and replace my bike. I'unno. I definitely am going to get outside some today. It's in the 70's!

Hurgh

Getting new glasses because I put my green ones down somewhere in the apartment and they are gone. Completely and totally untraceable. I blame Molly. I have a spare pair, but they give me massive headaches because the metal ends push behind my ears. :( The new ones match my hair! I also figured, what the hell, and finally bought a new pair of sunglasses. I got super geeky green fames(like, the nerd 2.0 type glasses) with lenses tinted blue at 80%, so...let's see how zenni does with tinted, lenses, yeah? Hoping for a delivery with a reasonable turn around, but zenni rarely let's me down. :)

Qualfiers Thursday/Friday. I'm studying the AI stuff super hard because at this point? The theory shit just isn't settling in my head at all and I need to do whatever I can to succeed at this. Bleh.

Sleep now. Mooost definitely.

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